Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
