I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
