does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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