I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize