"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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