she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
