I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
nutella sex= disaster
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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