I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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