either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
