I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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