You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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