this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
