i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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