You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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