Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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