I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
