lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
