Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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