What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
