There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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