Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
