"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
