you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Alive.
So much puke
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
