I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
