just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
