I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
