Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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