i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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