Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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