I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
