Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The maid of honor just puked.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
