also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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