so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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