i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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