The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
