I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
