so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
