a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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