she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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