how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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