she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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