I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
