I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
