In the future we'll all be gay
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
