I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
