theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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