I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
