dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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