when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
