The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Watching her eat just hurts me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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