I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
