You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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