forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
