your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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