in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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