I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i think i just lost a toe
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
