I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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