my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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