So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
