either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
