Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
