: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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